Joel Beider

Ok, here’s a post a long time in the making. I promised Joel Beider a long time ago that I’d write an entire blog about him. See, sometimes people ask me to put them in my blog, to drop a name, whatever. I usually ignore them. But Joel Beider doesn’t take no for an answer. Joel Beider is insistent. Joel Beider wants an entire post dedicated to nothing but the repetition of Joel Beider’s name, as often as possible. I even wrote a short screenplay about him (think Being John Malkovitch).

Enter Joel Beider. Joel Beider is waiting for him in the room.

Joel Beider #1: Joel Beider?

Joel Beider #2: Joel Beider!

JB 1: Joel Beider… (looks around, franticly) Joel! Joel Beider!

JB 2: (throws his head back with a sinister laugh, extending his arms) Joel – (dramatic pause) – BEIDER!!

Hundreds of Joel Beiders enter the room, chanting: Joel Beider, Joel Beider…

The Joel Beider minions tie up Joel Beider #1, and carry him off.

JB 1: Joooooooooooooooooel…….

That’s actually just a short excerpt from the climax. The movie will be released summer of 2007, year of our Joel.


Has anybody seen this Gap ad?

Also, the reason I love reading Slate is because they have the guts to print stuff like this:

Can you imagine a White House intern now—a well-off woman from Beverly
Hills who considers herself fashion-forward—buying a dress from the Gap? I
can’t. Maybe Banana Republic. … It’s just a sign of how badly things have gone
for the brand: They can’t even get world leaders to ejaculate on their clothes

Order of Cereal

I think blogs need to be more focused, around a central idea. I see that nearly all of my posts are about food, or written while eating, or written while thinking about food. So I’m going to blog about food today. Today, I shall share with you my wisdom. Today I will teach you how to eat cereal.

To start with, you need four things. You need a bowl, you need a spoon, you need cereal, and you need milk (unspoiled). There’s nothing worse than waking up in the morning, trudging over to the kitchen table and sitting down with what you think are all the things you need to enjoy your morning bowl, only to have to get up again because you can’t eat cereal without spoon. Make it your morning mantra. Four things, four things. You can’t go wrong.

Ok, so now you’re sitting there with your bowl, your spoon, your milk, and your cereal. What’s your next move? Whatever you do, don’t start with the milk. I know, you’re tired, and you just want to get all this crap in your bowl, eat it, and be on your way, but trust me, a second of cautious premeditation is worth, I don’t know, like ten seconds of cereal eating time. So I repeat, do not start with milk. I’ve made this mistake many a time, from inexperience, and later from laziness and general morning slugginess. Most cereals (especially kix) are notorious floaters, and the first layer will barely break the surface of the milk, and the rest will climb on top and spill over the sides of the bowl. And then you’ve got a mess on your (mom’s) hands.

Another problem with milk-firsters is that it’s difficult to judge the amount of milk when you’re pouring into an empty bowl. You want the milk to reach just below the surface of the cereal, too high will drown it, and too low will leave it dry. Let’s say you pour the milk to the level you normally pour with a pre-cerealed bowl, when you pour the cereal in this time (assuming you use the spoon to press the floaters down into the milk) there’s still a good chance you’ll have a milk spill on your hands, as the milk level rises. And that’s something nobody wants.

So you’ve got your four things, and you’re pouring your cereal first. That’s a good start. But I know the burning question on your minds. Spoon placement. Where should your spoon be during all of this? Good question. With this you really have two valid options, and a third option to be avoided at all costs.

Option one: Put the spoon in the bowl before you start pouring cereal. This works fine, you pour the milk, and everybody’s happy. Just be careful not to get milk on the handle of the spoon, or you’ll get some on your fingers when you pick it up. Not the end of the world, but it could put a damper on your cereal-eating experience.

Option two: Keep the spoon out of the bowl until the milk has been poured. You’re safe here too. Just don’t lose the spoon.

What you do not want to do here is pour the cereal, put in the spoon, and then pour milk. You see, when you put in the spoon after the cereal, the cup of the spoon tends to rest upon the surface of the cereal. Then when you pour the milk, it lands on the spoon, and splashes in every direction. This is the worst kind of mess. Don’t pretend like it’s never happened to you. Now you know how to prevent it.

Now you’re ready to eat cereal. If you want to put in sliced bananas or strawberries, it’s kind of gay, but it’s your call. Maybe you just like strawberries in your cereal. Or maybe you’re just gay.